There is something irresistible and alluring about the
promise of a Fresh Start, the dawning of a New Day, the turning over of a New
Leaf. Is it because we crave perfection or possibility? Or perhaps a little of
both…
In any case, and without any further philosophising, today
will be my Fresh Start for blogging! After yet another abysmally long hiatus, I
am back. And, as always, it may be for a day, a week, or a year – who can say?
All I know is it’s nice to feel the flow of words and creative juices once
more. It’s been too long.
For the past few (ahem, more like six) months, I’ve
spent a lot of time being sick. There’s no need to list all the types of flu (stomach
and influenza, in case you were wondering) and other ailments that took me down
but suffice it to say, it has been a fairly long and bumpy road. In fact, even
as I write this I am once again getting over a cold, trying to make strategic
decisions about exactly how much housework I can do without setting back my
recovery by another day/week. I find it ridiculous how doing laundry and
chopping vegetables suddenly become Major Life Decisions after one has faced
many weeks of back-to-back illnesses. “Shall I sally forth into the wilds of my
tiny urban kitchen to do battle with tomatoes and onions, or shall I resign
myself to a sadder but more restful fate of eating take-out on the couch, once
again?” – said no one, ever. (Until now.)
One of the positives of this unplanned pilgrimage into the
Land of Disease and Contagion is that I have been forced several times over to
re-evaluate my schedule and my priorities. This is no fun at the time, and
generally results in minor panic attacks, tearful hysteria, temporary mental
and emotional breakdowns, and phone calls to my Life Coach (read: father) with
conversations that last for hours and get repeated multiple times over until I
finally come to a Point of Acceptance. Cue another bout of sickness (which of
course seems exponentially harder than the one which preceded it) and repeat,
with similar results. One would think this process could be streamlined into something
more along the lines of:
Me: “Oh no, I’m sick!”
[Cry of anguish]
[Sob of despair]
[Wringing hands]
[to Father:] “Help, what do I do? I feel overwhelmed!”
Father: “Do not despair – you will get better soon. Perhaps you should reduce
your commitments in the meantime…”
Me: “ Ok, good idea. I feel better now.”
Alas, it has not been so, and countless hours (literally, they
were numerous and I did not count them) have been spent mentally tossing and
turning as I pondered the meaning of life. (You may think I jest, but I’m
actually serious. When you’ve been sick for a while and are facing the
possibility of having to reduce your involvement in things you love and think
are important, it does make you wonder what the point of your existence is.)
But (remember I said there was a positive here?) thanks to
this time of (forced) reflection, I have been reminded of some basic principles
in the midst of all this angsty self-examination (such as, I need to stop
defining myself by what I do!). I hope to explore those in more detail here,
over time. (No promises, though, because see my track record of posting? Yeeeep.)
For now, though, I’m trying to create a fresh start and be
wise about my daily decisions. I’m striving to let go of the things I can’t
control (really, I’m not in control of anything, although we all like to think
we are and I’m no different in that regard) and just make the best use of my
time that I can. I’m realizing that I will not stumble onto a Magic
Formula/Schedule/Way to Do Life that transforms my life from bumpy and often
disorganized to smooth and perfectly ordered. (I believe that is called Heaven…)
And I’m trying to shift from a mindset of “let me make a better schedule to
change my life” to “let me stick to a few top priorities, and make sure those
are in the right order.”
Sometimes it feels like I am the only almost-28-year-old who
is trying to figure these things out, but in my saner moments I suspect that is
not the case. I’m sure there’s at least one 30-year-old guy out there in the world who doesn’t
have it all together, either. (That guy is totally my hero. Keep going, 30-something non-collected dude who is still figuring out life!)
It might be a crazy ride, but I hope you’ll stick around to
hear about it and help me figure things out.
xoxo,
K
